Back in the Saddle?

I've returned from holidays and today normal life resumes, supposedly. It's after ten and I haven't quite started yet and that is because I am SO fond a pottering about in the morning - I read bits of books, drink coffee, write in my journal and think. It is my favourite time of day - I think and plan but don't actually DO anything. I love thinking and planning. I'm not so fond of action.
Before I went on holidays I'd made a breakthrough with my children's novel. I put my laptop aside, sure in the knowledge that I would be gagging to get back to the writing on my return. It's not quite turned out that way. I DO want to write but I'm scared. Returning to my book feels a little like jumping off a cliff - I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen and it is my dread that nothing will. From experience I know that the only way through this feeling is to write. I can procrastinate all I like but will feel dreadful if I don't write, so I really need to put my head down, open the laptop at the RIGHT page (not an internet one) and let the words come. And once I do, I KNOW I'll feel great. I'll be delighted with myself and I'll be crowing to you here about how brilliantly my book is going. But, there is just one problem - the niggling risk that I'll be completely stuck and wonder why I'm writing the book at all. THAT'S why I'm so slow to open the document, and THAT is why I am writing my blog first. This is easy - I write exactly what is in my head. (Yeah, turns out I'm no good at self-censorship).
But I will get back to my novel, truly I will. Just one more thing to tell you about first:
My adult summer course was a great success. I had a truly LOVELY class. We bonded over coffee, lunch and tables in a field in the sunshine. What a joy it is to spend my days doing something that I love whilst making others happy at the same time! My first children and teenage course begins next week, so I shall spend the next few days brushing up on Stephanie Meyer's series of Twilight novels - they are all crazy about them!
Oh, one last thing. To those of you who were kind enough to inquire about my back - it's getting better. Bending down is still sore but I'm planning on doing lots of swimming this week which should sort me out. Thanks for stopping by... I'll let you know how I got on with my writing, tomorrow... Wish me luck!

Sick and Away.

Apologies for my lack of blogging. There are two reasons for this: One, I did my back in last Sunday (fell off a horse years ago and my poor back has never quite recovered) and Two, I developed a tummy bug from swimming in the Irish Sea - in an attempt to help my back. Thankfully, I am now on the mend and very happy to join my blog again.
Last week I was harping on about NOT having to write, and I fully convinced myself that I didn't have to write for the next six months (if I didn't want to), which I don't, but yesterday I did a neat U turn, and began writing my children's book again. I had been stuck, you see, but during the intensive adult writing course, I was teaching this week, I outlined the plot of my novel to the class so far. In doing so I had an Eureka moment, and knew how to continue. I returned home and all I wanted to do was write (bad back or no bad back) and in the end the only reasons I stopped were hunger and fatigue.
So, I am now back in the writing saddle. Well, except for next week when I'm going on my holiers, sans Lap Top. It will be the first time in six years I shall holiday without it. But if feels like the right decision (and as I can't drive myself to my destination - cos of my dodgy back - I must be considerate about how much luggage I bring).
So next week will be another quiet one here - I shall be cut off from internet and phones (for the most part), but looking forward to blogging again on my return.

When Not To Write.

Many writers bang on about having to write something everyday. I don't always agree with that. One can end up writing a whole pile of rubbish, while sticking rigidly and miserably to the rule. Sometimes it is better to take time out to let the story come to the surface. That's what I'm trying at the moment, and it feels right.

I'm in the middle of writing a children's novel with a very challenging plot. I have been veering off, skirting around, in fact doing anything to avoid the plot, but in doing so I'm getting further away from what I actually want to write. So, I've decided to take time out, to mull things over, and keep my eyes and ears open to clues as to how I might move forward.

The plot I envisage has not been done before - that's what makes it so difficult. If I heard someone else had written it I'd say -what I genius idea, wish I'd done it! But there is a reason why no one has, and I need to find a solution to that reason. Continuing to write in the wrong direction, is not the answer (I know because I've done it before).

I Did It.

Thanks to those who read my blog yesterday and inwardly (or outwardly - Shirley!) wished me luck. The very good news is that for twenty-four hours I managed to succeed in Letting Go, and I am still in the 'Letting Go' state this morning - yipppeee!
Yesterday I did things that I don't normally allow myself do when I'm in terrified 'controling my life' mode: I baked two batches of fruit scones, while listening to Madonna, I went swimming (my absolute heaven), and later drank a glass of Rosé on the balcony whilst reading Penny Vincenzi's latest blockbuster. Despite all these treats I also managed to get a lot of 'constructive' work done: I organised materials for my adult Creative Writing Course next week, searched for suitable venues for summer camps, and responded to queries and bookings. In fact I had a MUCH more productive day than I normally would.
Every time I felt myself tense up and begin to panic, I viusalised relaxing my full weight on a windsurfing sail, and speeding along. It worked!

Letting Go.

The art of Letting Go is something I attempt to do daily - and mostly fail, but sure I'm still in my thirties (just). I was windsurfing at the weekend with my husband, who is super duper. I'm not quite so super but I do enjoy windsurfing, now and again. It was windy and wavy, and I clung onto the boom (which encircles the sail) with a vice like grip. Now this isn't how one is supposed to windsurf. NO, one is supposed to relax, smile, let one's body weight rest fully in the harness - ropes hanging in a loop from the boom - and sail into the sunset.
Not me. Panting and heaving, I wobbled across the bay and arrived to Oisín, who was patiently waiting on the other side. Trying to be positive, I said: 'Didn't I do really well?'
Now, Oisín's parents are Dutch and he didn't inherit the Irish gene of lying to be polite so he answered:
"You're sailing with the breaks on, making it much more difficult and tiring for yourself. You've got to LET GO."
I slumped on the board in a heap. "But if I let go, I won't be in control anymore and I don't know what will happen - it's scary." I then got stuck in rocks and seaweed (my absolute nightmare) and cried like a six year old.
It dawned on me during this miserable episode that my windsurfing is an exact reflection of my life - I continually have the breaks on and I am SICK of it.
So this week, once again, I am focusing on LETTING GO of work, writing, relationships and mostly outcomes (a handy tool to help me is 'The Language of Letting Go' by Melodie Beatie).
Please wish me luck - and good luck to anyone else who is trying to do the same.

Mistakes

I find it difficult when I make huge, heartbreaking mistakes. I have sent off manuscripts to agents and publishers, with chapters in the wrong order and have written entire sections of novels through the eyes of the wrong character. When I've finally realised what I've done, I've raged at God for not 'telling' me how to do it right first time around.

Yesterday, however, I had an insight into why life might be arranged this way.

I teach eight-year-old boys who LOVE mad, crazy characters and adventure stories. I have tried to tell them that mad stories and characters only work if you mix in a good dollop of normality, but they don't want to listen to that! So, recently, I gave them free reign to create whatever characters they wanted. One created a MAD baby who lived in a dog kennel, another a CRAZY dwarf, and the other a MENTAL person who couldn't speak. These characters were members of a family in a T.V series and we spent the following classes, writing dialogue and situations for them. Before long the boys became bored. "This doesn't make any sense," one of them said. "My character isn't working," another said.
"Try re-writing them," I suggested. They did. The MAD baby was killed off and replaced with an eccentric scientist and the MENTAL person grew a MoHawk, was nine foot two and, other than being frightened of banannas, was perfectly normal. This time around, the stories and dialogue flowed easily.
Yesterday I gave the same class a story to write using as many adverbs as they possibly could. At the end of the exercise I asked them how it went. To my surprise one of the boys commented, "the hardest part was trying not to make it TOO crazy," He then read out his best story yet.

After his mistakes, the lesson was learnt.

Living in the Now.

I have a bit of a problem - I keep wanting to jump ahead in time to someplace else, where I'll be doing something else and will know something that I don't know now. This causes me to never relax in the now; to forget things, to have a busy head, and to miss out on the beauty and opportunities of today.
To live in the now, has become my daily goal, and it's one worth pursuing. When I am right here, right now, I am perfectly happy, no matter how many problems are circling. I usually have a full stomach, as I'm lucky to have enough food to eat, and I breathe easily, because I am healthy. For all my striving towards mega publishing deals, fabulous holidays and anything else that might take my fancy (oh yeah, a groovy hairstyle) in fact all I really need is peace.
And, today, right now, mercifully I have it.
I hope you do too.

Self Belief.

Nothing is more important in writing than Self Belief. I have found this out to my cost. When I first began showing my work to friends and family, I hung on their every word and changed my writing accordingly. Of course, I ended up with a mish mash of everyone else's ideas and could barely remember my own.
Unfortunately - in relation to this topic - I have been a slow learner.
I did the same thing with my second book, and when it came to my third it was no longer friends and family making suggestions but agents. Now, you HAVE to listen to agents , don't you? Not necessarily.
Agents are thinking of selling. Some of their advice is invaluable and I have learnt a lot from them, but I have also changed books on the advice of agents, and have regretted it. I don't blame the agent - it is my responsibility to take charge of my books and protect them - but I do wonder how long it takes to be confident enough to remain true to ourselves and our writing. I met a writer yesterday, who, by his own description, is a retired and balding teacher, and he told me that he will no longer change his writing for anyone. I thought to myself, that's a bit extreme, after all we can ALL miss things and make improvements, but upon reflection he may have a good point - Agatha Christie refused to change one sylable of her work for publishers as did, I believe, Samuel Beckett. Not such bad company to keep, n'est pas?

Yesterday the opening chapters of a novel (which were 'not working' according to a friend, and were 'too sad to sell' according to an agent) were rated the third highest opening chapters on the Youwriteon site in the UK. This means that this month, these chapters will receive a professional critique by an editor in a publishing house. It will be interesting to see what he/she says, and will I be strong enough to remain true to my story? I think, at last, I will. Watch this space.....